First thing- this is going to be a very honest and emotional blog post.
I have sat down to type this out 3 times now. The 2 times before now I could not bring myself to push POST because this is a personal matter and I was not ready to share my heartache or feelings with anyone. When I say anyone I mean anyone. I have kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside for almost 2 months now, and I am starting to turn into someone I'm not. I'm starting to turn into a bitter person. If you know me, you know I am always happy. I always look at the bright side of situations. Well, until June 4th.
As many of you know Jason and I were so excited to announce we were expecting our second child due on Christmas Day. We had just started trying and to our surprise we got pregnant. Immediately we told our families because we wanted them to join in on our excitement as well. Everyone was so happy for us- my family, my best friends, co-workers, pretty much everyone close to us that knew we were expecting was so excited! We went in at 6 weeks and saw our baby's heartbeat and became even more excited!! Who knew something could go wrong in the first trimester after seeing the heartbeat? Not this naive person. I guess I knew deep down something could go wrong, but I was so sick the entire pregnancy- and you know what they say- if you are sick it most likely is a healthy baby. I felt perfectly fine besides the nausea. I thought everything was fine until my doctor's appointment on June 4th.
*Disclaimer- This is about to get extremely personal and emotional. This is the first time I have talked about this to anyone. I am just now to the point where I feel like I can remember these things so vividly without throwing up or completely breaking down. I have 4 year old, I can not do these things in front of her...
I remember that day so vividly. I dropped Sydney off at Ashley and Blake's around 9:00 so she could spend the day with Popi and Gracie. Then I went to work until 2:45. We invited Popi to come to the ultrasound with us because I had not had any complications and he was in town so why not let him see his next grandchild. I remember getting to the doctor's office at 3:00. My appointment was at 3:15. We waited in the waiting room until 4:15. We talked about finding another baby in there, because I was already starting to show at 11 weeks. Finally, the nurse called my name and I was on my way to the Ultrasound room with Jason and Popi. As I type this I can remember this all so clearly... I remember immediately being able to see the baby. I remember so much about my baby to this day that I think is a little too personal to share on a blog. About what seemed like a lifetime into this ultrasound, but really it had to have been a minute or two I knew something was wrong. I panicked and asked the Ultrasound Tech if she could see the heartbeat. It's like she is still in my head saying "I'm trying". I immediately looked at Jason, who never took his eyes off of the ultrasound. I then remember her measuring the baby at 9 weeks. I knew right then that something was wrong. I don't remember much after this- it's all a big haze. I was in complete shock. At 11 weeks I found out I had a Missed Miscarriage. Where do I, where do we go from here. Gary (Popi), was so amazing that entire afternoon. I don't know what we would have done without him. He told people we could not tell. I initially scheduled my surgery a week later, but when I woke up the next morning I couldn't wait a week. I was an emotional mess (at times I still am). I called the dr. right when I woke up Tuesday morning and scheduled my surgery for the next day.
This is the first time I have explained this to anyone. I have my good moments and I have my bad moments. Yesterday I had a good afternoon, but once I got home all the emotions from the past 2 months hit me... hard! I just curled up in my bed and cried, and cried until I fell asleep. I have a lot of things coming up in the fall, but every time I get excited about those things I think about how I would so much rather be big and pregnant. I would rather be feeling that precious baby moving inside of me. I woke up this morning knowing by now I would know what we should be having. I should be planning a nursery, picking out a name, buying clothes. But, I'm not! Instead, I am going through my days being angry at the pregnant women that come to my register scratching their bellies, or holding their bellies. I know they have no clue what I have been through, but it's hard to watch that. At times, I have to walk away and have someone else take over because I know I am about to break down. Feeling this way is not me. That is the reason why I am doing this post.
I do not want anyone to feel bad that has asked me questions about the pregnancy. I know ya'll had no clue. I haven't wanted to express my feelings with anyone.
I have gotten through these past couple of months because of my faith. God has a plan for my life, He has a plan for my family. I know I could not have done anything differently, this is all a part of His plan for me and Jason. I also have had a lot of support from Jason. He has been absolutely amazing. He lets me cry when I need to, and he comforts me during these times. He has made me smile and laugh so many times since June 4th, because he knows that's me and he knows how to make me happy, even in my lowest moments. I have talked to a really good friend the past couple of weeks about being so bitter and not wanting to feel this way. Ashley, thank you for being there for me when everything happened. Thank you for watching Sydney and making us dinner. Thank you for calling me non stop to make sure I was okay. You helped me get through the one of the worst times in my life, and I can never thank you enough for that. Alison, you have no idea how much you have helped me. You are there to listen when I need to breakdown. You get me out of the house to do fun things when I just want to lie in bed crying. You have made so much time for me, when you know I just need a friend. Also, Ashley, thank you for being there for me when everything happened. Thank you for watching Sydney and making us dinner. Thank you for calling me non stop to make sure I was okay. You helped me get through the one of the worst times in my life, and I can never thank you enough for that. I can't put into words how much ya'll mean to me ladies. I appreciate all of my friends that have helped me through this time.
Here are some of the things I have going on in the fall. I am going back to school!! I was so proud of myself yesterday for doing so good on my placement exams. This is a huge deal to me- I have always been horrible at math, but I did so good on the placement exam!! I am also starting something new on the side of school and Chick. I will discuss this at a later time once everything is squared away with that. I am so excited about the opportunity though.
As for more babies, there are a few things we have to do before we can start trying again. I am not sure what all it entails, but I know God has a plan for us. It's all in His hands- just as it should be!
